Not before my coffee!

First day back on the job. Seems like I never left. Serving coffee to ungrateful people at 8am in the morning is like riding a bike, you never forget it.

There are dominant types of customers that appear on a regular basis in a coffeehouse. The knarky ‘in a rush’ type being the most irritating. They practically scream their order at you and shove the money into your face as if looking at it would be enough to register it.

Then there are the ‘tea ladies’, the 70+ women who like to order 10 cups of tea, presumably for a group, but this ‘group’ is suspiciously never in sight at that very moment. This type are unpredictable in that they can be either really nice and pleasant, or really bitter and, just plain old. The next are the, ‘I haven’t a fucking clue what I want, why I am here, or what the use of the english language requires.’ These people usually take about 3 minutes gazing at the menu whilst a large que gathers behind them, despite having been in said que for the best of 10 minutes. When they eventually order they mispronounce the item or order it without actually knowing what the fuck it is. Said people usually appear back at the bar 5 minutes later saying how disgusting their drink tastes.

Next in the door are the ‘Daddy’s little angels’ parade. They usually order complex, low fat iced coffee, with whipped cream on top and a slab of chocolate cake. They also, often than not use a credit card to pay for a 2euro drink. This group do not like human contact and usually are engaged in a conversation on a mobile, listening to music, or wearing sunglasses so all interaction with ‘peasant serving me my coffee’ is kept to a strict limit. Nearly closing up now, but oh, here comes ugly bitter complaining person. This person in question resides in ones own arse when taking a vacation from the top of ones pedestal. To fit into this group you must be unattractive, have a snotty tone of voice, and refuse to give anyone whom you consider below you, a moment of your time. These people usually order something simple and find 1001 things wrong with it, basically as each trip back to the bar means someone is forced to talk to them in a manner that makes them feel important. I can’t tell you how much joy people like this bring to baristas. We have great time making fun of you when you leave, or are at least out of hearing distance.

Just as we are about to lock the doors, in comes ‘regular’. Regulars are friendly, chatty, and order the same thing everyday until it gets to a point where you just put it on when you see them coming. Regulars take time to ask you how you are, and always appreciate what you give them. If something is wrong with it? Well hey, it’s a fucking cup of coffee. Get the fuck over it, and please divert your attention here. Regulars make shitty student retail jobs not suck ass. Does buying your fucking breakfast coffee make someone elses job suck less? It should! Think about that, fools. 

I’d like to conclude this post with a quote I read today in NME from Courtney Love

“I once went to Linda’s off my head and did a rap song. Linda has got the master somewhere. I was so deluded that Eminem was my biggest competitor and I had to take him down. And we both stayed up all night while I did rails and rails and rails of crappy powder and did this piece of shit rap that if it ever gets out I swear to God I’m gonna slit my throat.”

Courtney Love should get her fucking coffee from me. I could dose it with coke, while she raps in the background. THAT would make my job worthwhile.